Note: The following is a "play-by-play" account of this week's episode of '24/7: Penguins/Capitals Road to the NHL Winter Classic."
1:04: The show starts with a staple of hockey ailments. Dental work. Capitals forward Mike Knuble is shown having wire metal brackets removed from his mouth. For anyone who gets even a little nervous over a minor cleaning by your dentist, this scene is not for you.
1:07: An unknown voice from the Capitals, perhaps coach Bruce Boudreau, implores his team to "____ work out there" during a home game against the Devils.
1:08: The infamous "We want Pitts-Burgh!" chant by Capitals fans chant. That's followed by the usual "CROSSS-BEEEE _____!"
1:09: Capitals forward Andrew Gordon is given the team's "hard hat" award for scoring his first career goal.
1:10: Focus shifts back to Pittsburgh and a game against the Panthers at Consol Energy Center. Sidney Crosby is shown scoring a goal but Ben Lovejoy is the main story as he gets into his first career NHL fight and scores his first career NHL goal. As narrator Liev Schreiber explains Lovejoy is in line for a Gordie Howe Hat Trick, this is shown:
-He's struck right in the left side of his face with a slap shot by Panthers defenseman Bryan McCabe. Members of the Penguins' bench all stand up in concern for Lovejoy. Evgeni Malkin says "Oh my God! Holy ____."
1:11: Lovejoy is shown in the team's medical facilities getting looked at by Dr. Charles Burke. Not much is left to the imagination:
1:12: Noted Penguins fan Cy Clark (AKA "Hulk Hogan Guy") responds in his own special way to the "We Want Pittsburgh" chant:
1:13: Lovejoy is shown getting stitches from doctors and encouragement from Malkin:
-Afterwards, Lovejoy is shown in the locker room with his new stitches and gets a little emotional while talking about scoring his first goal. His voice cracks as he describes the feeling.
0:14: The show takes a ludicrous turn at this point. On a flight to Washington, as Alex Goligoski spits chew into a bottle, Brent Johnson is shown in a hideous red Christmas sweater with the sleeves torn off AND green suspenders:
-Then Fleury is shown in his own ugly green sweater and his hair neatly combed down like an eight-year old about to take a family photo:
-As Fleury explains his wardrobe, Crosby focuses his attention to Lovejoy's face exclaiming, "Ohh... Benny." Fleury then notices Lovejoy's face and says "Holy ___ dude." Lovejoy's face has swelled up considerably in a matter of hours:
0:18: Boudreau pretty much nails it when describing the difference between Crosby and Malkin to his team during a video session: "I don't think it bothers Crosby whether you run him or whether you don't touch him. He's going to play his game. But Malkin's a different animal here. I think if every chance you get, you hit him, he's going to come back at you and try to get you back. And he's going to take a silly penalty. And he's done this a lot. If you ___ with him in the zone here, he's going to screw right back with and he's going to get the retaliation penalty and it gets him off his game. Let's make sure we're finishing the check on him, pushing him, getting in his face."
0:19: Quoting his owner Ted Leonsis, Boudreau says of the Penguins, "These guys beat us all the time. They've beaten us all the time. I hate these guys."
0:20: At a team meeting/lunch at the hotel, Matt Cooke gazes in wonderment at the moustache of Paul Martin:
-Cooke then suggests Martin should use "Just For Men" to darken it.
1:21: Lovejoy's face is absurd at this point:
-It looks like they surgically transplanted the left side of a fat man's face to his.
1:22: Addressing his team prior to the game, Boudreau says "We're going to ___ go after these guys as much as we can here!"
1:23: An unknown Penguin says: "Right off the ___ hop here."
1:25: Malkin proves Boudreau corrects as he's penalized for taking a selfish payback penalty against Ovechkin.
1:26: As Boudreau reminds his team about Crosby's placement around the net, an unknown member of the teams bellows out a simple, "____!"
-A puck sails out of play. Ovechkin accuses the Penguins of a delay of game stating, "That's two ___ minutes!"
-As officials confer and come to the conclusion that Zbynek "Mik-Al-Ik" is the guilty party, Brooks Oprik protests, "You're going to ___ guess? It's went off his ___ stick!"
-Michalek's errant clearing attempt actually hit one of the attendants in the scoring booth between the penalty boxes. She is helped off the ice by Knuble and Ovechkin while holding a towel over her face. Referee Kelly Sutherland talks to one of the penalty box attendants about her injury. When told she was stuck in the head, Sutherland explains, "Awwww ___." The penalty box attendant then appears to explain that she is his daughter and that "She got hit pretty ____ good" with a kind of odd satisfied smile on his face:
-Sutherland offers another sympathetic "Awwwww ____," then asks if she got the puck.
1:27: As Mike Rupp hits Mike Green into the boards, someone yells, "Heads up Green you ____!"
-During the first intermission, Ovechkin screams, "____ ____"
1:30: As Green hauls down Malkin for a penalty shot, someone uses an F-bomb. Neuvirth stops Malkin on the penalty shot. Ovechkin congratulates him, "___ great save Neuvy! Great ___ save!"
-And pretty much the moment everyone dreaded/anticipated. Sidney Crosby swearing. As he's clipped in the face by Capitals defenseman John Carlson on shot attempt, Crosby protests a non-call, "____ .... ___ off! That's ____ ___! That's ____ ____! He hits me in the ___ face? That's a ____ joke!"
1:31: Cooke accidently whips a clearing attempt out of play from his own zone. That's a delay of game penalty. Ovechkin turns and taunts Cooke for the gaffe. Orpik bumps Ovechkin afterwards to quiet him.
1:32: Ovechkin is called for tripping. His microphone is muffled but you can make out at least three vulgarities as he protests the call.
1:34: Pumping up his team in the locker room, Bylsma instructs, "Let's get this ___ here."
1:35: After a goal by Kunitz, Ovechkin says, "What the ___?"
-Tyler Kennedy scrums with Scott Hannan after Kennedy made contact with Neuvirth. Kennedy drops two F-bombs. Hannan discusses penalties with a referee explaining his thoughts on Kennedy, "I don't like the way he's in there. He's going to go in there. He's going to take a little ___."
1:35: Knuble ties the game with a shorthanded goal. Ovechkin screams from the bench, "___ right baby! That a boy Knubsy! ___ right! Hey! ___ right!"
1:38: A disputed non-goal by Green on Fleury is reviewed in the "War Room" in Toronto. Sutherland is shown talking to NHL executive Kris King in the room. King explains to Sutherland the video is inconclusive and says, "We're going with your call on the ice."
1:42: During the shootout, Malkin puts a backhander off the post. Crosby yells... "Ahhhhhhh... ____!"
Ovechkin offers a simple, "Yes!"
1:43: Dupuis scores to win the shootout and the game. Crosby celebrates, "____ right!
1:44: After a brief postgame speech by Boudreau, Ovechkin says, "___ me."
-Lovejoy's hideous face makes another appearance:
The show shifts focus back to Pittsburgh - Heinz Field specifically:
-Steelers linebacker James Harrison explains his credentials as a potential enforcer, "I can skate enough to fight. I can't skate enough to actually play the game good. But if you need someone go out there and to enforce, give me a call and I'll be out there.
-We imagine that's probably how the average negotiation session between Flyers management and potential goons goes in the offseason.
1:46: Boudreau is shown in a mall. His enthusiasm for ice cream does little to negate any nasty stereotypes about his weight.
1:50: Back in Pittsburgh. Bylsma is shown shoveling the sidewalk in front of his his house. He is then shown handling a turkey which appears to be radioactive judging by the color of his gloves:
-Bylsma then rips apart the turkey in a scene which might be more gruesome than Lovejoy's face:
0:53: Mike Rupp's Christmas morning is pretty much an assault on anyone who isn't colorblind:
-We would point out his poor choice of an Indians hat, but he's allowing his son to wear a Pirates shirt.
-Rupp then compares a young girls' pink scooter to Mike Green's Vespa:
Note: We're giving up on the swear scoreboard. It's just too out of hand. Sorry.