Hillary's Big Squeeze

Written by Rob Rogers on .

toothpaste2How in the world is Hillary going to undo the damage she did during the campaign? That's the big question everyone is asking here in Denver. You can't un-ring the bell or un-squeeze the toothpaste tube. It's out there, people! And everyone, including John McCain and his team, can use it against Obama. Hillary pulled off some pretty amazing comeback miracles during the primary season. Putting the toothpaste back in would beat them all.

I am trying my best to get a hall pass tonight to see her in action. My pass doesn't actually get me in to the hall. For those playing at home, let me explain how convention credentials work. As with all societies, political conventions have their caste system too. First, you have the Nobles: those are the high-ranking Democratic pols and rich donors. They can go anywhere they want because they either have limitless power or the money to buy it. Then you have the Clergy. They're the ones who think God gave them an all-access pass. The Clintons fall into that category. Major news anchors can fall into that category too. Then you have the Commoners which are divided into three types. The first type of Commoner is the Burgher. Burghers are either delegates who own an estate (or who come from a state) or journalists with floor passes. The second type of Commoner is the Serf or Peasant. I am a Serf. How do I know I am a Serf? Because I have what is called a perimeter pass. We Serfs are allowed to go up to the Pepsi Center door (i.e. the drawbridge of the walled castle) but are forbidden to enter. If we try to enter they will pour scalding oil on us from the parapets. The only comforting fact about my Serfdom is that there are the even lesser Commoners. The third type is the Estateless or Homeless. "I complained about my perimeter pass until I saw a man without any pass." I think I read that in the Bible once. So, tonight I will beg my Burgher colleague for his hall pass. I may have to give him foot massages for a month or plow his acreage but it will be worth it. For one brief moment I will no longer be a Serf. Sure, at first I will still feel sorry for my fellow serfs ... but by the end of the night I'll be the one manning the cauldren in the parapet.

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